When I was younger, I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for a long time. I would starve myself at times, but when I finally ate, I would binge on large portions and junk food. Afterward, I would feel so guilty I would take diet pills and laxatives, followed by purging. It was a vicious cycle that began when I was 14 years old and went on until I was 20. At times, it got so bad I started hiding a daily collection of vomit jars under my bed, so I could see how much I’d thrown up that day. It was morbid, but I would feel a sense of accomplishment or defeat if I met or didn’t meet my goal for the day. I was not well and started to lose my hair, and my teeth were decaying.
Finally, when I turned 20, I stopped binging and purging. What I didn’t expect was to begin a toxic relationship in place of my eating disorder. This relationship went on until I was 23, and then my world came crashing down. The one regret I would have from that experience was losing myself throughout those years. However, I gained a new best friend (my son Jude) from it all, so in the end, I regret nothing!
Today, at 26, I have dedicated my life to rebuilding myself and relearning what it means to have a sense of body positivity. For me, it is exercising and eating foods that are useful for my body, eating in moderation, and not feeling guilty about having a cheat day. I don’t like to count calories and macros – I do what feels right! Some days I love to lift weights at the gym, listen to heavy metal, and rock out. Other days, I play lo-fi music as I stretch and meditate. I’m still learning and working on finding balance.
I do still struggle with guilt from food and, sadly, body shame myself. But on those days, I tell myself that those thoughts are no longer welcome in my head, then I do something my mind and body would enjoy. It has been a long road, but I am finally in a place where I can say I choose myself, and it’s a beautiful place to be!
diana figueroa says
I am so proud all of your accomplisments, it takes a strong young woman to see your weaknesses and turn it around. You are an amazing mother, Jude is so blessed to have you as his mom. The love and bond you two have makes me cry because no matter what the devil throws at you, God turns it around. He loves you with an everlasting love and I am proud of both my children and all my grand babies. I am blessed. I love you Boobie, keep fighting and never lose God’s hold.
Kayla M. says
Your vulnerability in sharing is amazing. Love you Imani! You are inspiring others!!!